Sports balaclavas at the ready

Match Summary: With the long hot days of Summer tennis now just a distant memory, today the two pros had to face the savage elements of mother nature head-on as the season reaches its Winter climax. Bywater was left struggling in the cold and windy Autumnal conditions in contrast to Clemishaw who came out of the blocks like an enraged herd of elephants. In the first set he slayed The Bywater and laid down some truly scintillating shots and consistent game-play to wrap up the first set in record time. In the second set Bywater dug deep to up his game by a number of notches. A mid set break provided the magnificent duo with the opportunity to build a mini camp-fire in a bid to keep warm and roast some Hobnobs, "someone needs to invent a sports balaclava" they mused. Clemishaw later went on to snatch the match as Bywater confessed to never being at the races. Who would have thought that after 26 hard fought rounds, and a full year of intense warrior jousting we would be going in to the final stages of the championship all square on points. Both players now know that with the nights drawing in ever more closely, the next match could well be the deciding factor in this incredible and enthralling season. - nc

March of the pum-sticks

Match Summary: An array of new rackets were unveiled at court no.1 today as both of our heroes continued with their efforts to take the 2007 title. The first set was over in a jiffy as Clemishaw got to grips with his new pum-stick from the off as Bywater struggled with the greasy conditions. Clemishaw dished out a demoralising 6-0 bagel which must have enraged The Byater who, in an amazing turn of fortunes, dug deep in the second set to return the favour. The final set proved to be a much closer affair with both players attacking each other like the seasoned pros that they are, playing some beautiful attacking tennis peppered with some truly magical and masterful strokes. In the end Clemishaw was able to utilise the extra energy gained from his endless supply of chocolate treats which included Mars bars, Twix's, Maltesers and Cadbury biscuits, to pull off the hard earned victory and set up the opportunity to draw level in the race. - nc

Battle of the crips

Match Summary: Today, for the first time in 9 long matches, Clemishaw managed to heave his way to a remarkable first set victory. This feat was made all the more unlikely given the fact that he was using a racket held together with glue and insulating tape. In patches Bywater played like a true tennis warrior, and at one point he seemed to be possessed by the ghost of Pete Sampras, unleashing brutal ground strokes and a series of unstoppable PB Punishers. But this form proved difficult to sustain, especially with Bywater using the now infamous home-strung racket. In the second set Clemishaw continued to play solidly, taking his chances whenever they arrived, and finishing the day with a staggering 6-1 6-1 triumph. This was just the ticket for Clemishaw who has been under massive pressure to make up ground on the championship leader before the end of the NCvPB tennis season. Surely no-one on Earth would deny Clemishaw an Ultimate Performance Award today for this commanding assault on The Bywater. - nc

ByCrikey!

Match Summary: Bywater won today despite the obvious drawback of using Clemishaw's incredible home-strung racket. It was a close match, but the final set was a tough ask for Clemishaw as his trusty racket 'Pummelda' gradually disintegrated. Bywater sealed the win to regain his 3 match advantage for the year. - nc

The dumb chimp knows

Match Summary: Even a dumb chimp could have predicted the first set would go to The Bywater, and that's exactly what happened. Bywater pumped hard to claim the 6-4 lead, and at this point it looked like Clemishaw could be out of the game once again. However in a remarkable second set, Clemishaw dug deep to dish out only the second 6-0 bagel of the season. Admittedly this achievement was massively aided by the complete collapse of Bywater's game, but a fine achievement none the less. In the deciding set both players started spritely and things were looking good for a final battle royale (an increasingly rare occurrence of late) until at 3-2 when Bywater's trusty racket imploded with a nasty sounding crack, thus ending Bywater's hope of winning the match. He valiantly played on however, but it was in vein, as Clemishaw secured a much needed win. - nc

Destined to fail

Match Summary: Clemishaw was diabolical today. He played very poorly and became increasingly frustrated with his lack of ability - "how can 7 long years of practice result in such consistent shitness?" he pondered. His display was so poor in fact that he destroyed his new racket to vent his anger at the situation. Bywater on the other hand played well in patches and took advantage of Clemishaw's lack of ability on the court, he deserved to win the match today. - nc

Bywater brings his A game

Match Summary: The match today was surely a must win for Clemishaw to keep the competition alive. However when the action began, it was Bywater who played like his life depended on it. In a truly inspirational first set, Bywater upped his game to levels never before seen on a tennis court. He chased down every ball with energy and struck his shots with the prowess and controlled aggression of a fearsome tiger. 'Tiger Tim' had nothing on Bywater in the 1st set, and the second set started in much the same way as he stormed to a 2-0 lead. But then something inexplicable happened. For some reason Bywater completely lost his way. His backhand and serve fell apart, crumbling like the dodgy toblerone he had brought along. Clemishaw took full advantage of the situation by winning 6 of the next 7 games to take the second set. The third set went a similar way but with Bywater gradually improving. Clemishaw in the end took his chances to seal a much needed victory. - nc

All hope is lost for Clemishaw

Match Summary: Bywater came out with consistent game plan today, making use of a new found accuracy on his first serve. The first set was a close affair until the eighth game, at which point Bywater, aided by a succession of bananas, started to edge ahead. Clemishaw truly lost his mind in the second set. The oppressive heat of the August Sun compounding the situation and adding to his fury. The death knell then tolled for Clemishaw who imploded in a shower of negative thoughts, allowing Bywater to exact a consummate 6-1 victory. Bywater is now truly in control of the season having won 10 of the last 13 matches. It's going to take something truly special for Clemishaw to turn his season around and challenge for the 2007 title. - nc

Bywater takes it to double figures

Match Summary: It may have been one of the closest matches of the year so far, but that does not hide that fact that Clemishaw lost to Bywater once again. The Bywater now holds a strong psychological advantage, having won 9 of the last 12 encounters on his way to taking the lead of the championship and pushing his tally in to double figures. The match itself was the first one of the year to be fought over two days, making it all the more important to win. Both players strained and heaved around the tennis court, putting in a thoroughly average performance. Yet it is Bywater once again who will be basking in the comforting glow of victory, while Clemishaw festers away in the mental hellhole of defeat. Clemishaw must turn things around if he is going to challenge for the prestigious Beyond Supreme trophy this year. - nc

Bywater takes the glory

Match Summary: Clemishaw came out to his now usual dyer start, going down 6-1 in the first set to an ever consistent Bywater. Clemishaw's performance was so diabolical in fact that even the local wildlife had something to say. A passing bird, disgusted by Clemishaw's performance, made it's view clear by squeezing out a mid-flight shat on to Clemishaw's shoulder. The second set however proved much more competitive with both players giving an equally mediocre performance. The mental anguish of a tie breaker was their reward, with Clemishaw taking his chances to even things up. The third set was yet another frustrating grueller, with both players unhappy with their lack of performance. The match came to quite a controversial end, when Clemishaw, who believed he had won the match with a nicely executed clencher, was informed by Bywater that this was not the case, and that indeed, Bywater had even had 2 match points in the previous game. This was news to Clemishaw, who duly lost his focus allowing Bywater to finally take the lead of the championship for the first time this year. Will this momentous occasion prove to be a psychological turning point in the series, thus allowing Bywater to take a stranglehold on the championship? Or will it simply spur Clemishaw on to greater heights and more consistentency? As always, only time will tell. - nc

Starlight and self-thwarting

Match Summary: Clemishaw started the match with a new racket hoping to give his game some extra pop, and take it to The Bywater, big-time. However as the first set went on it became painfully clear that the new racket was shit. Clemishaw's hopes then shifted to his truly remarkable home-strung racket, but yet again it was proven to be shit. Bywater took full advantage of the situation, with Clemishaw only just able to fend of the dreaded 6-0 bagel. Clemishaw found his serve in the second set which spurred him on to a 6-3 counter attack. But the the final set was not decided by either of the two pros, but instead by an unimaginably vast sphere of nuclear explosions some 93 million miles away. The Sun was at its most punishing, akin to someone holding your eyes open at mid-day, with a magnifying glass focussed on your retinas. Bywater coped better in the adverse conditions to move level in the standings, re-enforce his lead in the rankings and give himself a shot at taking the outright lead for the first time this year. The next match could well be crucial for both players. - nc

Green Hell

Match Summary: Today's match was a truly historic encounter of epic proportions, easily the most gruelling event ever to have taken place on Planet Earth. The crippling encounter looked to be almost over in set 2 as Bywater stormed to a 4-0, 40-0 lead. But it was at this point that Clemishaw snapped, yelped in anger and pummelled a ball in to some nearby woodland. He somehow managed to conjure up a counter attack so great it makes the achievements of Pete Sampras, Lance Armstrong and Michael Schumacher look like shit. Taking 7 of the next 8 games to level the match and take it into a deciding 3rd set. This apocalyptic final encounter, fittingly accompanied by the sound thunder from a nearby storm, almost destroyed the two pros, who gave their ALL. The crucial game came on Bywater's serve at 9-8 lasting at least 20 minutes with Bywater unable to serve it out, missing at least 10 match points. In the end Clemishaw scraped through the encounter to secure his tentative grip on the overall scoreline. This must be a cruel blow to Bywater who was hoping to finally wrestle the overall lead from Clemishaw, who now commands an impressive 5-1 lead in 3 set matches. - nc

Return of the Gods

Match Summary: In the first evening session of the year, we witnessed an awe-inspiring display of brutal tennis. Both players hit their best form throughout the match, letting rip with punishing shots time and time again. 'I have the energy of 10 men' Clemishaw was heard to say. No-one could deny that the two pro's deserved Ultimate Performance Awards today for pushing the game of tennis to new heights, but with Clemishaw's mediocre scoreline the award could only ever go to Bywater for his outstanding display. The evening pumm-fest came to a close at 10pm, along with the setting of the midsummer Sun. Truly this is the stuff dreams are made of. - nc

The mystery of the mysterious ball-boy

Match Summary: He barely spoke, he didn't respond to our comments, but today a mysterious ball-boy had an intense impact upon the match. Under the massive pressure of this mute child's presence, the two pros upped their games. Bywater clinched a close first set, spurred on by the use of Clemishaw's spare racquet and a new stool. At the beginning of the second set, the child disappeared as quietly and mysteriously as he came - who was this child? With the second set of tennis came a poor performance from Clemishaw, and good one from Bywater, who had finally found form with his often illusive forehand. However his call for an Ultimate Performance Award would go unheeded. - nc

Attack of the Weather Gods

Match Summary: The Weather Gods unleashed their full fiery fury upon our two heroes today. The clammy heat and intense sun exposure was almost unbearable. Despite this punishment to their unaccustomed and unprotected bodies, they started well, with Bywater opting for a 'more placement less power' game plan to begin with. This did not work. Clemishaw was on good form from the off, unleashing a number of Reverse Clenchers throughout the first set. The second set was closer, but by 5 all in the second set, with both players drenched in their own sweat, Bywater had had enough. He threw in the towel and vented his anger upon his own racquet, pounding it on the ground with an ape like movement, and with a menacing look of pure evil in his eyes. Yet despite this loss, he still holds a 5 point lead in the rankings. However the demise of his racquet could have the potential to disrupt his season - or it may be that a new racquet will grant him the powers of placement he's been searching long and hard for recently. Once again, only time will tell. - nc

An intense warrior pumm-fest

Match Summary: In the match today both players displayed their true warrior attitude. Whether you're firmly in the Clemishaw Camp, or a die-hard supporter of The Bywater, no-one could deny that today, both players pummed really hard. The first two sets served up an intense jousting battle, with both encounters ending in tie breakers. It was clear to see that both players were suffering from exhaustion today, especially Clemishaw who was fighting his way back from an intense virus thing. In the final set, Bywater simply lost the will to live, allowing Clemishaw to thrust at him, really hard. And with this hard-earned victory, Clemishaw has brought to an end the 'Great Bywater Offensive' of spring 2007, which saw him take a record equalling 4 consecutive victories and storm in to a commanding position in the rankings. Neutrals will also be glad to hear that the Curse of Pummelda has finally been lifted, allowing Clemishaw to pose a threat once again. It's these sort of true, hard-core British grit performances that brings a tear to the Queen's eye and gives this incredible championship it's fearsome global reputation. - nc

Bywater’s brutal run continues

Match Summary: Bywater continued his massively awesome and truly historic comeback today to level the overall score at 5 all, as Clemishaw’s mid-season slump went on. In a piss-poor but gutsy display by both players, Bywater enforced his game on Clemishaw, who once again failed to find his range. The highlight of the day came from an incredible moment when a ball rolled along the top of the net for at least a metre! I tell you, it was amazing.. Another interesting moment came from a miss-hit Clencher which resulted in the largest lob ever seen at the courts, the ball ricocheting from Clemishaw's racquet frame to at least the 100ft mark! The match itself was actually closer than the score line suggests, but yet again it was Bywater who completed a soul crushing victory, moving yet further ahead in the rankings. Clemishaw can at least take some solace in the fact that he won a few more games than in their previous encounter, but is this the beginning of a Clemishaw counter attack? Only time will tell. - nc

A Brutal Bywater Bashing

Match Summary: Today saw the first match of the year to be played in quite vicious wet weather conditions. Conditions which are mostly enjoyed by Bywater - the self proclaimed Schumacher of the tennis world. Shite, dire, and festooning-heap-of-crap were some of the terms used to describe Clemishaw's performance today as he went down like a ship that had been shat on by a really huge monsterous bird, leading the way for Bywater to take no.1 spot in the championship rankings. We could talk about what happened on court in depth, but it would get very repatative, very quickly. In summary, Clemishaw was disappointing time and time again with his efforts - efforts akin to that of a blind one-legged mutant chimp with flippers for hands, some critics said. It wasnt simply a case of Clemishaw playing like a crip on his deathbed, though... Bywater has upped his game considerably in the last few matches and proved very solid throughout the battle, making only a few forced errors and keeping it tidy in all departments. If he can maintain this form it is only a matter of time before he leads this tournament. Clemishaw has got some serious soul searching to do and will no doubt be feeling the anguish tonight. he faces his toughest test yet this season, that of turning this shit around and pumming back really hard. - pb

The Curse of Pummelda

Match Summary: Clemishaw was utterly trounced today as Bywater played a blinder, easily storming to a consummate straight sets victory, whilst also gaining a massive 9 points in the NCvPB ranking. All in all it was a perfect, and much needed result for Bywater who has finally started to play to his full potential. This could not be said of Clemishaw, who's form today was truly shocking. In a dismal and grotesque display of utter shiteness, Clemishaw could barely put the ball in the court, consistently missing shots in a showing that will go down as one of the worst performances in the history of sport. This may well have been due to the arrogance he displayed in christening his once trusty racquet "Pummelda" (after the Norse God of pummelling). Clemishaw was devastated after the match, claiming that this was "the beginning of the end" of his title challenge. And true, it is a cruel blow to his dreams of pounding the crap out of the bids later this year. However, with his new found confidence, and being now only 1 point behind in the rankings, who would bet against Bywater continuing his form and levelling up the scores for the year? Not I. But one thing is for sure, Clemishaw needs to get his shit together if he is going to have any chance of capturing his God like status from earlier in the year, and taking the bids DOWN! - nc

Bywater bounces back

Match Summary: Dispite Clemishaw's absurd claim that he was using 'the wrong side of his brain' today he came out storming like the true tennis warrior genius that he is, unleashing clencher after punishing clencher upon Bywater, crusifying him with probably the best tennis we've seen all year. This pummelling served to raise the game of Bywater who described his previous efforts as "turd". The second set served up the ultimate battle royale, both players pounding the crap out of each other with Bywater clinching it by the narrowest of margins. This truly demoralised Clemishaw who went in to meltdown in final set. The sustained final attack by Bywater may well have been thanks to a large pre-tennis curry. - nc

The greatest match no-one can remember

Match Summary: No-one can remember what happened today. All we know is it was another close match between two of the greatest players to have ever lived. - nc